I Thought You Might Could Use This

           We all tell ourselves that we can’t possibly “do it all”, yet we still try to overcome the odds.  And if you are a stay at home, mother of five, homeschooler, and married to a bi-vocational pastor… well, you are always trying to “beat the odds”.   And then we throw in Christmas, New Years, and Birthdays all in one week. 

            Things like the power going out, a super tight budget, and sickness don’t help and can even cause complete break down in “the system”.  However, I thought we were doing pretty well this year, that we were in fact “beating the odds”.  We were moving right along, even if Chris and I were pulling late night after late night.  Then yesterday morning, the morning of yet another packed day, I did not feel well. 

            I finally waved the white flag after our church service and told Chris to take me home.  I would not be able to be a part of the next two gatherings scheduled for the day.  I fought with the “should I just push myself and see” thoughts. I prayed, asked Chris, and knew the smart thing was to stay home.

                                                                     

Winston, Elias, and Liam on Christmas Eve 2014.

            At first I was relieved.  I could rest in some peace and quiet and hope to bounce back quickly.  But then, in an empty house surrounded by piles of clothes, unwrapped gifts, toys, and a less than satisfactory kitchen, my mind started to roam.

              I ended up lying down to read and then closing my eyes after I couldn’t read anymore.  As I closed my eyes I became agitated and couldn’t sleep.  My mind would not rest.  I thought of all the things to do and all of the people to see and all that will shortly resume. 

            As I was lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon, what bothered me the most was missing the people.  What would they think?  I am surely letting them down and I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I realized after a little while of thinking through all of this that my heart was pounding.  I had worked myself up so much that I was experiencing an anxious heart, literally. 

            I stopped myself and placed my hand on my heart and felt the fast pounding.  I made myself breathe slowly, in and out (thank you natural child birth classes) and began taking hold of my mind, speaking to myself. 

             I said, wait a minute hear, I am being physically affected by these worries and concerns.  This is not right.  What am I so worked up about?  The people, I don’t want to let them down.  Really, Katie, is that all?  No, I don’t want anyone to reject me; I want everyone to like me.  I want to walk into a room and know that I am ok with everyone in it – no fear and no anxiety with any relationship.  So, this is THE most important thing to you right now?  Yes, I guess it is and that is not right.  Then I started speaking the truth that supersedes all lies. 

            I am fully accepted in the beloved.  He loves me enough to die for me and keeps my reputation.  I do not want to fear man more than fearing the One who made me, who knows my heart and mind.  I want to love people with no strings attached.  And I know that if my motivation for going to see people is to make them happy so that I am accepted and thought well of in return, than that is not real Christ like love.  That mind set is only a selfish love that seeks to control and manipulate.  I feel the seeds of this selfishness growing in my heart.  Forgive me, Lord.  Help me to let this go. 

            I felt my heart again – totally calm.  No more anxious pounding.  It was gone; and I was not tossing and turning anymore.  As I lay there I asked out loud, “Then what should I do now?”  The answer came in the words from a friend. 

                                                                            

 

Jackson and Bella  light Christmas Eve candles.   

            Just that morning, a dear friend of mine stopped me in conversation, looked me in the eye, and said, “Ask the Lord what He wants you to do and do it.  Find out His will and do that.” It was almost like she was saying, “Here, I found this truth and thought you might could use it.”

          Yes, I can use that!  “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.” Proverbs 12:25 ESV   I should have listened while my friend was speaking this morning, but the words came back to me at that particular moment on my bed and they were like healing words to my soul. 

            In reading about people who survive great trials and live through extreme circumstances, most have something in common.  They  remembered something that they were taught through a prior experience, or remembered something they had read or seen or heard that helped them to make it, to live. 

            The soul is alive and real and needs to be fed good, real food just as a physical body needs good nutrition.  Without good truth to chew and meditate on, the soul wanders like mine did, to easy irrational thoughts that can steer a person’s mind to unsafe and treacherous waters.

           Pride is the great enemy of the soul.  I find that I can easily tell myself that I don’t need as much truth, that I don’t need to listen to good counsel, that I don’t need to avoid certain kinds of input because surely I know better and I will be fine.  But, the enemies of our souls are real and they will attack. 

            So, I rested for a while longer, and woke up with a new frame of mind.  I was at peace knowing that God was there with me and hears me and knows me. He loves me and loves my family and my friends.  I purposed then to go slowly and thoughtfully through the next few weeks. 

           As I turn over the calendar to the next year, I want to seek Him more. I want to be still and listen, to walk in His will and leave anxiety behind.  I do not want to be like King Asa, who when warned, did not listen, and did not seek the Lord with his whole heart.  He became angry and hurtful toward others because he relied on men. (II Chronicles 15-16)

            I will falter.  I will take my eyes off of the truth.  I will be swayed by my feelings and my thoughts.  But, I have One who will meet me in the moments when I stray, and just like the word from a friend helped to steady me, He will bring me back.  

          The key here, remain humble.  We need to know that we don’t know it all. We are wrong a lot, and we need to be teachable. 

                                                                            

My sisters and me at Christmas.

          Paul, that “super apostle”, said that God permitted him to “have a thorn in his flesh” so that he would not become conceited.  Ok, that’s harsh, but it makes sense to me.  There is nothing like something "prickly" to get our attention.  And what is even better is what God said to Paul when the apostle had his moments of heart pounding anxiety. “He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  And that good word makes my often sorrowful soul, glad. 

May you find His power in all your weaknesses this year,                          Your Fellow Sojourner