We all tell
ourselves that we can’t possibly “do it all”, yet we still try to overcome the
odds. And if you are a stay at home, mother
of five, homeschooler, and married to a bi-vocational pastor… well, you are always trying to “beat the odds”. And
then we throw in Christmas, New Years, and Birthdays all in one week.
Things like the power going out, a
super tight budget, and sickness don’t help and can even cause complete break
down in “the system”. However, I thought
we were doing pretty well this year, that we were in fact “beating the odds”. We were moving right along, even if Chris and
I were pulling late night after late night.
Then yesterday morning, the morning of yet another packed day, I did not
feel well.
I finally waved the white flag after
our church service and told Chris to take me home. I would not be able to be a part of the next
two gatherings scheduled for the day. I
fought with the “should I just push myself and see” thoughts. I prayed, asked
Chris, and knew the smart thing was to stay home.
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| Winston, Elias, and Liam on Christmas Eve 2014. |
At first I was relieved. I could rest in some peace and quiet and hope
to bounce back quickly. But then, in an
empty house surrounded by piles of clothes, unwrapped gifts, toys, and a less
than satisfactory kitchen, my mind started to roam.
I ended up lying down to read and then closing
my eyes after I couldn’t read anymore.
As I closed my eyes I became agitated and couldn’t sleep. My mind would not rest. I thought of all the things to do and all of
the people to see and all that will shortly resume.
As I was lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon, what
bothered me the most was missing the people.
What would they think? I am
surely letting them down and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I realized after a little while of thinking
through all of this that my heart was pounding.
I had worked myself up so much that I was experiencing an anxious heart,
literally.
I stopped myself and
placed my hand on my heart and felt the fast pounding. I made myself breathe slowly, in and out (thank
you natural child birth classes) and began taking hold of my mind, speaking
to myself.
I said, wait a minute hear, I am being
physically affected by these worries and concerns. This is not right. What am I so worked up about? The
people, I don’t want to let them down.
Really, Katie, is that all? No, I don’t want anyone to reject me; I want
everyone to like me. I want to walk into
a room and know that I am ok with everyone in it – no fear and no anxiety with
any relationship. So, this is THE
most important thing to you right now? Yes, I guess it is and that is not right. Then I started speaking the truth that supersedes
all lies.
I am fully accepted in the beloved. He loves me enough to die for me and keeps my
reputation. I do not want to fear man
more than fearing the One who made me, who knows my heart and mind. I want to love people with no strings
attached. And I know that if my
motivation for going to see people is to make them happy so that I am accepted
and thought well of in return, than that is not real Christ like love. That mind set is only a selfish love that
seeks to control and manipulate. I feel
the seeds of this selfishness growing in my heart. Forgive me, Lord. Help me to let this go.
I felt my heart again –
totally calm. No more anxious
pounding. It was gone; and I was not
tossing and turning anymore. As I lay
there I asked out loud, “Then what should I do now?” The answer came in the words from a friend.
  |
| Jackson and Bella light Christmas Eve candles. |
Just that morning, a dear friend of mine
stopped me in conversation, looked me in the eye, and said, “Ask the Lord what
He wants you to do and do it. Find out
His will and do that.” It was almost like she was saying, “Here, I found this truth
and thought you might could use it.”
Yes,
I can use that! “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,
but a good word makes him glad.” Proverbs
12:25 ESV I should have listened while my friend was
speaking this morning, but the words came back to me at that particular moment
on my bed and they were like healing words to my soul.
In reading about people
who survive great trials and live through extreme circumstances, most have
something in common. They remembered
something that they were taught through a prior experience, or remembered
something they had read or seen or heard that helped them to make it, to
live.
The soul is alive and
real and needs to be fed good, real food just as a physical body needs good
nutrition. Without good truth to chew
and meditate on, the soul wanders like mine did, to easy irrational thoughts
that can steer a person’s mind to unsafe and treacherous waters.
Pride is the great enemy of the soul. I find that I can easily tell myself that I
don’t need as much truth, that I don’t need to listen to good counsel, that I
don’t need to avoid certain kinds of input because surely I know better and I
will be fine. But, the enemies of our
souls are real and they will attack.
So, I rested for a
while longer, and woke up with a new frame of mind. I was at peace knowing that God was there
with me and hears me and knows me. He loves me and loves my family and my
friends. I purposed then to go
slowly and thoughtfully through the next few weeks.
As
I turn over the calendar to the next year, I want to seek Him more. I want to
be still and listen, to walk in His will and leave anxiety behind. I do not want to be like King Asa, who when
warned, did not listen, and did not seek the Lord with his whole heart. He became angry and hurtful toward others
because he relied on men. (II Chronicles
15-16)
I will falter. I will take my eyes off of the truth. I will be swayed by my feelings and my
thoughts. But, I have One who will meet
me in the moments when I stray, and just like the word from a friend helped to
steady me, He will bring me back.
The
key here, remain humble. We need to know
that we don’t know it all. We are wrong a lot, and we need to be
teachable.
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| My sisters and me at Christmas. |
Paul,
that “super apostle”, said that God permitted him to “have a thorn in his
flesh” so that he would not become conceited.
Ok, that’s harsh, but it makes sense to me. There is nothing like something "prickly" to get our attention. And
what is even better is what God said to Paul when the apostle had his moments
of heart pounding anxiety. “He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my
weaknesses, so that the power of
Christ may rest upon me. For the
sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships,
persecutions, and calamities. For when I am
weak, then I am strong.” And that good
word makes my often sorrowful soul, glad.
May you find
His power in all your weaknesses this
year, Your Fellow Sojourner
