Every morning I wake up and find myself on the same merry-go-round. My hands gripping the bars, my feet planted firmly, my eyes closed and my head dizzy from spinning. Is this my choice? Have I stepped on willingly – thinking this would desensitize me? Was I drug onto this platform beyond my will? Did God pick me up and place me here? Did I cause all of this somehow?
I smiled when I heard someone say that answering the questions will not bring the healing that you seek. Relief. My God does not rely on my asking the right question, to finally give the right answer, in order to unlock the cure.
The “answer” to all of the “whys” stands in the center of history. All of my history, my entire existence, is incarnate in this one place. The cross stands, with the god-man, Jesus Christ, heaving for another gasp of life-giving air, the very air He created. He spoke my name on that self-sacrificing moment of redemption. He knew I would be given a gift – and He intended to keep it until that day. The day I would fall into His embrace. When it will finally be finished.
It is not a spinning world that I cannot control that has me in its clutches. No. There is a campaign of stealth that has been released upon my very soul. Did God really say? An overt operation to entice me into becoming a double agent. To be caught in my own game – making no impact one way or the other. To live in a “no man’s land”. No ground gained. No lives saved. No rescues made. Lukewarm.
But when I awake from this spinning stupor, and I am reminded by the Captain of my soul of the battle that I am in, an emboldening truth begins to course through my veins. I look down and see my sword, bloodied from the past days’ fight. It bears the evidence of what is truly at stake, what really matters.
“For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?” Mk.8:36 “But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame.” Is. 50:7 My rock, the rock of my salvation. My name forever etched in His hands. He closes them in a fist – holding me – keeping me from the terror of the night and the arrow that flies by day.
My sin. Yes, my sin. But oh! This sin is not forever. It is not my master any longer. I am reminded of Who has become sin for me. Sin for me. Why? Why, me? Didn’t you know Lord? Know that I would run after so many other lovers? Try so many other drugs to fill my veins, drugs that promised a faster and more lasting serenity? Why?
All for love. Love that wooed me while yet an enemy. Love that took me by the hand and led me to the same lesson over and over again. Love that waited while I sold myself for another cheap lie. Love that ran to me the moment I faced Him again in my shame. Love, love that will never let me go. Therefore, I will never be put to shame. Not for us, but for Your glory, Lord.
So, today, I fall back and let go of the merry-go-round. I am waiting to feel my back hit the hard dusty ground. But, it never comes. I fall, but I am caught. I am lifted up. I see clearly. The dust filled air, full of lies, is clearing. My feet are strengthened. My hand grips the blade ever tighter. I am compelled by a power not my own. I run. I run again, not afraid to fall this time. He speaks to me in a gentle voice that buoys me up when I need Him. And oh, how I need Him. Every hour I need Him.
~Your Fellow Sojourner
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
Refrain:
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their pow’r when Thou art nigh.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.
I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.
~Annie S. Hawks
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