My Own Tilt-A-Whirl

               Every morning I wake up and find myself on the same merry-go-round.  My hands gripping the bars, my feet planted firmly, my eyes closed and my head dizzy from spinning.  Is this my choice?  Have I stepped on willingly – thinking this would desensitize me?  Was I drug onto this platform beyond my will?  Did God pick me up and place me here?  Did I cause all of this somehow?

                I smiled when I heard someone say that answering the questions will not bring the healing that you seek.  Relief.   My God does not rely on my asking the right question, to finally give the right answer, in order to unlock the cure.

                The “answer” to all of the “whys” stands in the center of history.  All of my history, my entire existence, is incarnate in this one place. The cross stands, with the god-man, Jesus Christ, heaving for another gasp of life-giving air, the very air He created.  He spoke my name on that self-sacrificing moment of redemption.  He knew I would be given a gift – and He intended to keep it until that day.  The day I would fall into His embrace.  When it will finally be finished.

                It is not a spinning world that I cannot control that has me in its clutches.  No.  There is a campaign of stealth that has been released upon my very soul.  Did God really say?  An overt operation to entice me into becoming a double agent.  To be caught in my own game – making no impact one way or the other.  To live in a “no man’s land”.  No ground gained.  No lives saved.  No rescues made. Lukewarm.

                But when I awake from this spinning stupor, and I am reminded by the Captain of my soul of the battle that I am in, an emboldening truth begins to course through my veins.  I look down and see my sword,  bloodied from the past days’ fight.  It bears the evidence of what is truly at stake, what really matters.

                “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?” Mk.8:36   “But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame.” Is. 50:7   My rock, the rock of my salvation.  My name forever etched in His hands.  He closes them in a fist – holding me – keeping me from the terror of the night and the arrow that flies by day. 

My sin.  Yes, my sin.  But oh!  This sin is not forever.  It is not my master any longer.  I am reminded of Who has become sin for me.  Sin for me.  Why?  Why, me?  Didn’t you know Lord?  Know that I would run after so many other lovers?  Try so many other drugs to fill my veins, drugs that promised a faster and more lasting serenity?  Why?

                All for love.  Love that wooed me while yet an enemy.  Love that took me by the hand and led me to the same lesson over and over again.  Love that waited while I sold myself for another cheap lie.  Love that ran to me the moment I faced Him again in my shame.  Love, love that will never let me go.  Therefore, I will never be put to shame.  Not for us, but for Your glory, Lord.  

 So, today, I fall back and let go of the merry-go-round.  I am waiting to feel my back hit the hard dusty ground.  But, it never comes.  I fall, but I am caught.  I am lifted up. I see clearly.  The dust filled air, full of lies, is clearing.  My feet are strengthened.  My hand grips the blade ever tighter.  I am compelled by a power not my own.  I run.  I run again, not afraid to fall this time.  He speaks to me in a gentle voice that buoys me up when I need Him.  And oh, how I need Him.  Every hour I need Him.

                 ~Your Fellow Sojourner

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;

No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

Refrain:

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

Oh, bless me now, my Savior,

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;

Temptations lose their pow’r when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;

Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;

And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;

Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.

~Annie S. Hawks

Living With Myself

            I remember the moment I first realized that I was not a freak of nature, but that God had created me the way I was, on purpose.  It was a liberating thing to read about one’s self, identifying with the detailed description of my “makeup”.  It set me on a journey.  A journey to understand more about myself and other people.

            As a new wife and a new teacher, I was reading all I could about learning styles. I came upon a book by Cynthia Tobias about the unique way people learn.  The author was giving people “permission” to be who God had created them to be and to learn more about how “fearfully and wonderfully” God had made them, particularly in their minds. 

            Now, it has been some time since I have read and studied learning styles, personalities, and left versus right brain tendencies, but I have not forgotten the basics.  I am being reminded as of late, just how incredible our Creator God is when it comes to the height of His creation, people. 

So often, we take the information we learn about ourselves and others and assign labels - good and bad.  Labels say, “I have checked this person out and have decided that this is the most significant thing about this person – no need to get to know him for yourself, it has already been done.”  We all do it- giving labels to people.  She is an addict.  He is a bum.  That child is a future felon.  She is snooty. He is a genius.  She is perfect.  Those people are ignorant and simple minded.  The labels have no end.  Man even searches for “cures” to help those who have been labeled by society in a negative way.  Take this pill.  Take this course.  Believe this mantra.   Follow this person.  Remake yourself. 

 God has labels too.  His labeling machine has very different words however.  Lost.  Found.  Sinner.  Redeemed.  Heavenly.  Earthly.  Faithful.  Idolater.  Sick.  Healed.   Empty.  Abundant.   These labels comfort me and discomfort me.

            God has come throughout history to those who have been labeled and gives them a different label- His label.  Scripture tells about the “erasing” that God’s labels do when He replaces the lies of this world with the truth. Just ask Gideon, David, Paul, Mary, Moses, Ruth, or Rahab. “The old is gone, the new has come.”

            I couldn’t find where I fit in to this culture’s accepted lists in many areas of my life.  In fact, it only got worse.  I became more and more “unacceptable”.   But as I find the culture increasingly scratching it’s head at me, I see more and more of the creative genius of my God.

 I smile at how “crazy” my brain works sometimes.  My mind randomly and abstractly processes information.  It is a beautiful dance of color and passion.  I can be having a serious conversation with someone and a song from my childhood will go dancing through my head and I will remember a story surrounding the song and share it in the conversation.  Or, I will be making dinner and a quote from a book will come to my mind that I must find and read it before I can even concentrate on the rest of the meal. It all makes perfect sense to me. 

 Now, do not get me wrong, there is much to be said for self-control and dying to one’s self.  These godly traits will always supersede my interesting brain J  God has given us the ability to make choices that align with His will and His word.  He brings order, clarity, and discipline into our lives.  But, I find that He is teaching me that the way He has made me fits into His grand design for this world and its people.

  He derives much glory from the way that He has knitted me together, even from the time I was in my mother’s womb.  I am His creation, made in His image - these labels I will gladly wear!  He is the potter, I am the clay.  He will mold me according to His will, and it will be amazing. 

So, as I grow older, and hopefully less foolish, I am trying to see people without any labels, except one.  People – a unique creation of God in need of seeing themselves the way God sees them.

                                                                                  ~Your Fellow Sojourner

  Watch the way one young man "sees" himself.

A New Handshake

I learned a new hand shake on Sunday.  No need to speak the other person’s language to show friendship with a hand shake.  Laughter, and trying to learn the new way of saying “hello” crossed all cultural and language barriers.  I could not understand his name and so his cousin finally just gave up and said, Zacchaeus .  I said, “You mean like in the Bible?”   “Yes!”  I had just met the Guatemalan Zachaeus – cool!   It was an example of how God has been bringing a passage of Scripture to life for me.

                 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne.  Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.  And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left.  Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’  Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?  And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?  And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’  And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:31-40

                When I heard this read recently, I cried.  Why?  Because I was thankful – overwhelmingly thankful.  Not because someone has treated me with kindness or that I am in need like those in this passage, but because I am privileged to give.  Having eyes that see need and hands that give without thought and feet that travel to those who are “the least” is a gift.  I cried because I have been a recipient of this gift to give.  Just as we cannot come to God on our own, He must call, and just as we cannot do anything on our own but must rely on the One True Vine, we cannot give without seeing like Jesus sees – He gives us sight, His sight.

The more weighty reason for my tears was another realization.  In serving and giving to those who are helpless , I am serving Jesus.  He is leading me and giving me opportunity to serve Him, Him.  The One who gave up all to come and save me – the helpless one.  Giving up, He gave to me.  Now I give back to Him what has already come from Him!  What a joy!       

“ Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,  who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,  but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”(Philippians 2:3-8 ESV)

But where is the glory in all of this?  What is the point in it all?  In all of this giving and serving and dying to self?  The point is that it is worship.  Yes, worship.  I am a worshiper.  Worshipping is in our makeup, our DNA.  We will worship something or someone.  The One who made me to worship has given me a way to worship Him through this gift of giving.

”Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name,  so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,  and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. “(Philippians 2:9-11 ESV)

And so, as I hugged Guatemalan Zachaeus goodbye, I was smiling from ear to ear.  He came to my house – mine!  And I received him joyfully with a new handshake and pistachios.  I had experienced the gift again. 

”And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, hurry and come down, for I must stay at your house today.”  So he hurried and came down and received him joyfully.”(Luke 19:5-6 ESV)

                                                                 ~Your Fellow Sojourner

O Happy Day

            From time to time I find gospel and listen to it – my “happy” music.  My husband says that Bluegrass makes him happy.  I think my “happy music” is definitely gospel.  We are not talking Bill Gaither either.

            I have been pondering all things joy lately and the refrain from “O Happy Day” has been running through my head.  So, I searched and found my “happy” music again.  And yes, “O Happy Day” it was!

            Why are so many Christians reserved in their praising God?  I believe it is fear and unbelief.  Fear that, well, maybe God is not going to be there for me when I need Him or maybe He is going to cause more pain in my life.  So, I am entering these waters very cautiously, there might be sharks… Unbelief, in the way we are unwilling to wait and trust Him. But, my brothers and sisters, every day should be a “happy” day for us!  We can be honest with our pain and sorrow, and with our thankfulness and joy as well.

  But… whatever would they think of me?  Who? God?  Isn’t it Him that we are praising and thanking?  Will you be looking around to see what others are doing or how they are reacting when we are surrounding the throne in Heaven and falling at the feet of our Savior?  Do we not know where we are headed? 

            One of my favorite “worshippers” cannot keep a beat nor can she play an instrument very well.  She has epilepsy and she fights this condition every day, sometimes every hour.  She has restrictions on her life many of us would not be able to handle.  But… she praises God from her heart.  I think she could “get down” in a cardboard box while tapping a plastic spoon.  She has taught me a lot.  Like Paul says,”For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

            Edward Hawkins, the arranger of the popular “O Happy Day” says, “The Bible says, ‘Be anxious for nothing,’ but because we are human we make mistakes and God knows. He’s aware of all that we are going to do and what we are not going to do.  Sometimes He allows us to go through some things even though we might make the wrong decision and it might take years to straighten out.  But God knows and He will stick with us throughout it all.  Even through the bad times, He’ll stick with us.” 

            This song, “O Happy Day” was taken from an old Baptist hymn written by Phillip Doddridge, who died in 1751.  He was not supposed to live.  He was the 19^th of 20 children that his mother Monica birthed.  Phillip was the first that lived past birth.  Phillip was orphaned at a young age and was frail throughout his life.  He had no money and no family, only God and prayer.   This is the hymn that he penned that inspired Edward Hawkins:

O Happy Day

O happy day, that fixed my choice
On Thee, my Savior and my God!
Well may this glowing heart rejoice,
And tell its raptures all abroad.

Refrain:
Happy day, happy day, when
Jesus washed my sins away!
He taught me how to watch and pray,
and live rejoicing every day
Happy day, happy day, when
Jesus washed my sins away.

O happy bond, that seals my vows
To Him Who merits all my love!
Let cheerful anthems fill His house,
While to that sacred shrine I move.

'Tis done: the great transaction's done!
I am the Lord's and He is mine;
He drew me, and I followed on;
Charmed to confess the voice divine.

Now rest, my long divided heart,
Fixed on this blissful center, rest.
Here have I found a nobler part;
Here heavenly pleasures fill my breast.

High heaven, that heard the solemn vow,
That vow renewed shall daily hear,
Till in life's latest hour I bow
And bless in death a bond so dear.

                I will leave you with a gospel song that always makes my heart rejoice.  And Kristen, make sure you save me a spot next to you at the throne room one day.  I want to see you praising your God with perfect vision, no more tremors or seizures, and impeccable rhythm.  So, come and go with me…

                                                                                          ~Your Fellow Sojourner

Come and Go With Me to My Father's House

Ode To Joy

           It has been compounding, this feeling of loss.  Things seem to be spinning around me, sometimes beyond my control.  I keep pressing through, hoping, praying for things to get better.  If only…  But the “if onlys” never come. The feelings of loss and lack of joy get stronger.

            I have found myself reading the Scriptures, searching for that one verse, that one passage that will restore my lost footing.  How long oh Lord?  How long? 

            I came to the conclusion that I have been fighting to “keep my joy”.  Ha!  How arrogant of me!  Keeping one’s “joy” is futile – “it” will be lost.  But Joy can never leave… He may stay  “hidden”, so that the seeking makes the finding even more potent.  So much more the joy when one finds the true Joy-giver. 

            So, today, in my prayers, and in an honest look at myself, I prayed.  “Lord, I am losing my footing.  Help me find that foothold so that I do not slip.  Show me what I need to believe so that I do not fall.” 
            I knew this was about joy.  Not a whole lot to be joyful about lately.  Oh yes, I have much to be thankful for, but the joy that just wells up inside of you – I could not find it.  And I would not manufacture it.

            So, as I sat at the dinner table this evening, my husband played the familiar strains of Beethoven’s 9^th Symphony.  I smiled to myself because I recognized it.  It is one of my favorites.  And it always causes me to be in awe as I listen to this masterpiece of music written by a completely deaf man.  How? 

            Then, I remembered, this symphony is also called the “Ode to Joy”.  Joy!  There it was!  If God, the Creator of the universe, can give deaf Beethoven the gift to write this music and express pure and utter joy, He can do many more joyous things in and through me!  The hand hold was found.  God, the Joy-giver of Beethoven, was speaking to me through the language of joy – music and song.  Then, I remembered the words.  The words have changed somewhat over time.  We are all familiar with the hymn that was written almost 100 years after Beethoven’s symphony was completed, “Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee”.  But, I will end with part of the poem that Beethoven used for his choral symphony, “Ode To Joy”.

Even the worm can feel contentment,
And the cherub stands before God!

Gladly, like the heavenly bodies
Which He set on their courses
Through the splendor of the firmament;
Thus, brothers, you should run your race,
As a hero going to conquest.

You millions, I embrace you.
This kiss is for all the world!

Brothers, above the starry canopy
There must dwell a loving Father.

Do you fall in worship, you millions?
World, do you know your creator?

Seek him in the heavens;
Above the stars must He dwell.

                                                                                                  ~Your Fellow Sojourner
The part we are all familiar with ... its ok, you can jump for joy.

Listen to this finale and close your eyes!

Hope Killers

Hope killers.  They are deadly.  The Enemy of our souls knows this.  We fight them every day. These killers of our hope can take on many different forms. Some of them may look like this: 

The news you want to hear that never comes…  the same mundane 24 hours over and over again…  the person you admire and look up to lets you down again… the word that is never kept or that is forgotten…  when God does not seem to be speaking… loneliness.

                There was a time in my life when I was extremely anemic.  I had lost over 30% of my blood volume due to complications from a miscarriage.  I downed iron pills like I have been eating cough drops lately.  There seemed to be no end to the weariness in both body and soul.  Day after day was the same.  But God…

                I love that phrase, “but God.”  It makes me think of terrifying rescues, a husband loving a wife even unto death, a mother giving herself for her child without a moment’s hesitation.  “But God”, is the ultimate hope restorer.  No matter what, when God breaks through and reaches in, time stands still and all other forces are thwarted.

                You see, God waits until all else has failed.  When we have put all of our hope in the proverbial “egg basket” of other idols, He waits.  He waits until the eggs have all broken or have failed to hatch.  When everything else turns up empty, he comes and breathes hope back into our souls with a word or a reminder or a look or a hug.  He knows what we need.  Him+nothing = all that I need. 

                All else had turned up empty for me.  The doctor’s predictions had not panned out.   The bleeding continued… for too long.  But God had been waiting.  He waited until I could take it no longer, until I cried out to Him and said, “Make this stop!”   And, He did.  The next day, it all stopped.  God had moved.  He keeps hope alive.  Oh, and by the way, He never fails.                                    ~Your Fellow Sojourner

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain: 
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

I Am a Cheerleader

            I am a cheerleader.  No, I have never even entertained the idea of donning a short skirt or flinging pom-poms around while wearing a plastic smile.  But, I do jump up and down and hoot and holler when I see Grace in people.  When I sense grace, I cannot sit still nor can I remain silent.  I want to shout about this grace, saving grace from the roof tops. 

            The most amazing grace moments have got to be births.  Not many things are as glorious to me as attending a live birth.  I have been on both sides of the birthing process: the one giving birth and the observer. 

            You know you have been honored when a woman invites you to be a part of the birth of her child.  It is a sacred and solemn moment.  It is the witnessing of a miracle ~ new life coming into the world.  Usually people have to hold me back from exploding with excitement when a new born is on the way.  Just ask my sisters.  I have been shushed. 

            There are always terrifying moments when a woman is giving birth.  There are things beyond one’s control.  It is a balancing act of life and death.  There have been times when all I can speak is a desperate prayer.  Imploring the Giver of Life.  Give life… breathe life… keep death at bay. 

            By the grace of God, I have been present at spiritual rebirth as well.  I have seen the blackness of Hell looming over a soul and I have seen the power of God pull one from death into life.  All the while, I am cheering.  I am shouting for joy when I see God beat back hell and death.  I am on my knees crying out to Jesus when I see the shroud of death blind a soul from the Truth. 

            Recently, I have been attending a new reborn one.  I also see the evidence of rebirth coming in many more.  It makes me want to shout – jump – be in awe – stand back and see the salvation of the Lord. 

            Birthing is a roller coaster of emotions and is always messy.  Life can only come this way.  The temptation to let someone else attend a birth is strong – someone else more qualified, more experienced – a professional.  But sometimes… people are born in cars or in the grass or on the floor.  Not in a hospital bed surrounded by professionals.  Sometimes… you find yourself being a midwife, prepared or not.

            There was a time when I wanted to be a midwife.  For a time that dream had died.  But, I think God had a different kind of midwifing in mind…

            [15] Then the king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, one of whom was named Shiphrah and the other Puah, [16] “When you serve as midwife to the Hebrew women and see them on the birthstool, if it is a son, you shall kill him, but if it is a daughter, she shall live.” [17] But the midwives feared God and did not do as the king of Egypt commanded them, but let the male children live. [18] So the king of Egypt called the midwives and said to them, “Why have you done this, and let the male children live?” [19] The midwives said to Pharaoh, “Because the Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women, for they are vigorous and give birth before the midwife comes to them.” [20] So God dealt well with the midwives. And the people multiplied and grew very strong. [21] And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families. (Exodus 1:15-21 ESV)

                                                                                                ~  Your Fellow Sojourner