On the Receiving End

           I have a friend who likes to say, “Its a Christmas miracle!”  Its fun and it makes me smile.  But right now I would have to characterize this year as a Christmas whirlwind.  I have been on a treadmill of activities.  

          I really do enjoy Christmas.  I love everything about it, the lights, the music, the wonder.  But I am fighting fatigue and being overwhelmed with it all.  

         Eighteen years ago we were expecting my daughter on Christmas Day.  It was during that Christmas season that I began to really identify with characters in the Christmas story. Don’t even get me started on what “Breath of Heaven (Mary’s Song)” would do to me! 

           I like to imagine where I would fit into the story. It never grows old for me.  It has everything a good story needs.  The world in need of rescue, the hopelessness of the downtrodden, the evil king and his minions, angels, prophecies fulfilled, hope realized and newness of life.  

This year I feel like the shepherd who never gets a night off or the busy inn keeper’s wife.  I have been too busy, too preoccupied.  I have been at my wits end, worn out and barely hanging on. 

Winter Landscape, 1909 (Oil on Canvas), by Wassily Kandinsky

           Somehow I have kept going; the awe and wonder of Christmas is starting to grow for me. Every day small gifts lift my spirit and put a new song in my mouth.  Maybe you can relate.  

The hug from the woman who is busier than me, the child who is truly thankful for Christmas lights, the words of the Christmas song that speak right to my anxiousness, the beauty all around me, the tin of cookies, the pots of chile, the unexpected show tickets and the babysitting ~ they have all brought me to tears.  With every gift of grace I hear the invitation to come and adore Him. I sense someone saying to me, “Hey!  Unto YOU a child is born! Come and see Him!”  He is the One who orchestrates every good gift and every grace in my life, even the ones that are a part of the hard and difficult.  

My mother in law is still fighting cancer, our bank account is still barely making it, my relationships still need work, my heart is learning forgiveness and I need to let go of control.  I am very much in need of grace.

          So, this year I am not looking at the Christmas story from the eyes of mother Mary or the searching wisemen. I am the anxious and needy one on the periphery. It is uncomfortable, but it has a purpose.  In my vulnerability I have an important role to play.  I am on the receiving end of grace and it moves me to thanksgiving and praise. Even as I am blessed, I become a blessing.  Just as one leper returned to thank his Healer, so I bow my humble spirit before the Healer of my soul and say thank you for every gift.  He knows what I need even before I ask Him.

One of the most precious gifts I have received this season came from an old friend I had not seen in a while.  She held me and told me that she had nothing but love in her heart toward me.  She told me that she was all about healing. As we talked underneath a cold dark sky, God was healing a deep hurt in my heart. The Prince of Peace was bringing life and light to me, with healing in His wings.

So, as the calendar pages continue to turn and Christmas and the New Year approaches, I am giving all of us a gift of grace.  Let these words from Jude sink in and let there be peace in your heart today.  “Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy,  to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.”

Grace and Peace, 

Your Fellow Sojourner

If the Shoe Doesn't Fit

        Last week I found some awesome boots in my closet. Shoes do not come easily to me.  My left foot is clubbed with zero arch and I have degenerative tendinitis in the same foot.  My right knee can be problematic and sensitive as well, due to my favoring it when I walk. For me to find the right shoe is like finding the holy grail of foot wear.  

I was hoping the boots still felt good enough to wear.  I picked them up and thought, man these feel so soft!  I got my foot about eight inches into the boot and stopped.  I laughed out loud.  They didn’t belong to me!  I had forgotten that I had been keeping the boots for a friend that had left them at our home. Her feet are much smaller than mine.  Love the boots, but they were not made for me. They look great on her, but they would cause me great physical pain. I could only wear those boots in my dreams. 

Wet Feet by Jessie Wilcox Smith

I find myself daydreaming about things I would like to have, things that would make my life so much better. These thoughts are creeping in somehow.  Is it because we are living in an age when the image is king?  Is it because I have been fighting discontentment for years and I am just so tired of the fight?  I am not sure.  But I am aware of these thoughts and I don’t like them. 

We all long for the peaceful, contented life. We want to live well.  In November, we are reminded that we ought to be living the grateful life. We, of all people, should have so much to be thankful for, we are Americans after all. But I am afraid we must face an unpleasant fact, we are a covetous people.  We feel that we are missing out somehow.  We feel the lack of something, whatever it may be, and it does not feel good. 

        One of the most centered, peaceful people I have ever known is my grandfather.  He moved through life with a peaceful purpose. He had a secret.  He had seen difficulty and he had experienced loss yet he wanted to live fully.  He was not too interested in what others were doing or what they thought of him. He lived a life that invited others into it. I know it brought him joy when others sought to learn from him.  Most of his life could be characterized by the same pattern of work, day in and day out.  I didn’t know too much about his devotional life, but I know he had one.  He noticed people’s needs and he prayed for them.  He read his Bible faithfully. He knew the importance of a gospel community and he was a part of one.  He had a center to his life that propelled him forward.  I am sure he missed some things in life that he could have and should have done, but he did not live condemned. 

I observed dedicated devotion in my grandfather and a peace that ushered forth from it. He wanted other people to live their lives with as much purpose and intent as he did.  He liked hearing about your goals and your going after them, your plan. I too want to rejoice in the good things that I am seeing and experiencing around me. I want to focus on all of the good that has been showered down upon me. I don’t want the things of this world to overshadow the real and the good.  

The Milkmaid by Johannes Vermeer

       We move from blessing to blessing, and from grace to grace, while we miss out on the wonder of life.  All of our hardship, pain, and loneliness is just as much a part of our blessings. In times when all we can do is close our eyes, hang on, and pray that we don’t get swept away, our souls are on a learning curve; our metal is being tested.  

          We have a guarantee that even in the face of death, we shall come out as gold. “now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,  so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7.  

I saw my grandfather on the day of his final fiery trial, the hottest furnace of all, when we pass from this life into the next.  He could not choose how or when he would go, but he had to go, he was compelled to go.  He stepped into the fire and felt its heat, but he emerged a changed man. The fire had burned all of the dross away. He was clothed in a righteousness and peace that could not be taken away from him.  It was not procured by his own hand or his own obedience, but by the love of his Savior.   

     Helen Lemmel reminds us that if our souls are weary and troubled and darkness is all around, we need to look at the Savior, where life is more abundant and free. When we are weary, it is to the Word we must go, to His presence, to His song, to His voice.  If we do not turn our eyes to Jesus, then we will turn our thoughts to the world. We will be discontent, longing for what is just beyond our reach. 

We desire to live beyond what we see and feel here, we want to live in the knowledge that Christ, and all of His goodness, outshines and out gives anything this world could offer. We should not be ashamed of the life that is centered on Christ. All of His promises are yes and Amen. It is in my life with Christ that I find my joy. It is here that my soul returns again for hope, for a fresh baptism into all satisfying truth in the face of Jesus.  

I laughed at the hope I had in the cute leather boots.  They were cute, but they were fashioned for someone else to wear.  We may look at others and see something that we believe will help us to live more fulfilling lives, but we must be careful.  We may be longing for something that was never meant for us and it could make us quite ugly.  We may be wasting our time and thoughts on something that is not a part of our story, that just won’t work.  

Stop and think, what goodness has the Lord been showing you? We can agree with the Psalmist that the Lord has chosen our portion and our cup.  Our lot has fallen in pleasant places.  Our inheritance is beautiful. We have not gazed enough upon the beauty of the Lord.  We have lost the beatific vision that galvanizes us to something greater, to where our hearts belong. Augustine was right, we will be  restless until we find our rest in Christ. 

Christ in the House of Martha and Mary by Johannes Vermeer

We may not physically see Him, but our hearts love Him.  Isn’t it wonderful to run after what our hearts were made for?  In Him our souls are secure and we have fullness of joy.  Let the world wonder and watch.  Let them see us long for and run after the Lover of our souls.  We, who have tasted that the Lord is good, and know that we are accepted by God through Christ, are being beckoned to join the feast. He has gone ahead of us and made a way for us to know Him, to procure a life that overshadows all that we could ever covet.  

I am praying that my temporal longings and loves will be replaced with real, deeper, eternal loves.  The McDonalds burger seems really good in the moment but an hour later I am still left with hunger and nothing but fat, grease, and empty calories to show for it.  The good meal is made with better ingredients that can be savored, with real lasting benefits. Our souls crave real sustenance. They will only be satisfied with the true food of the Father’s will.  Let us embrace where we were meant to live and move and have our being.  

When my soul runs in the paths of His commands, there is no room for coveting or jealousy.  My neighbor’s life is not my life, not my story, and it is not any better than mine.  I have too much good before me that I have yet to taste and see. I am where I was meant to be and it is good. This November I want more than gratefulness, I want awe in the One who made me and gave Himself up for me.  He is my chosen portion, good and beautiful, and my soul knows far too little of it.  Lord, make me glad with more of You. Amen.

Your Fellow Sojourner

When Autumn Leaves Start to Fall

       For many people, fall is the most anticipated season of all. Those of us who love the sights, sounds and tastes of fall are in good company.  C.S. Lewis said it was the best of all seasons and I don’t know that I can disagree with C.S.  Autumn, just like the other seasons, is potent with meaning.  We see the changing of the guard, from riotous summer to the quiet retreat of cooler, shorter days. 

     There may be some however who have a bit of a struggle with autumn.  Amidst the beauty and freshness that Autumn brings there is a reminder, a foreboding, that soon death will come.  We will awake one day not to red, yellow, and orange hues but to dull blacks and browns, to barrenness.  Nature’s starkness will mimic their mood and a temptation to descend into their own personal hibernation will come calling.  

An Autumn Morning by Henry Herbert La Thangue 

     I too have points in the year, usually in late summer and late winter, when it feels as if change will never come, that I will be forever stuck in intense heat or cold.  I am watching and waiting for relief from heat and drought or bone chilling cold.  But it is in these moments that I remind myself of what is coming.  Surely the next season will emerge and we will be embraced by a new kind of beauty.  The old will pass and the new will come.  

     These thoughts and emotions that are mirrored by nature can dampen our spirits.  A kind of hardness and cynicism settles in.  We are tempted to put our head between our knees and feel sorry for ourselves.  Why do I have to live in such doom and gloom, will Spring ever come?  

      We forget that we do not live in a world where it is always winter and never Christmas.  We have wandered far from the centuries old truth of the cycle of life. There should be great celebration in the middle of a stark and cold wood because Someone is on the move.  Someone has stepped down from Heaven and He has turned back the clock.  He has begun the reversal of death; life is on the horizon.  

watercolor by Myo Win Ong

      He showed us that in living there must be dying, for only on the other side of death will a greater and fuller life emerge. “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John 12:23-25   We too must die to live.  It is in the losing of our life that there is great gain.  As we fix our eyes on the greater purpose of letting go in this life, we gain a peace that anchors us for the future.  

     With autumn we see the life of the past year prepare for a time of rest and contemplation.  A preparation for life in the next year is upon us.  Winter will come.  The harsh storms of life will blow, but we can wrap ourselves in the comforting truth that winter will thaw and Spring will come.  

     Let us soak up the beauty of every season, intentionally slowing down along with nature and storing up within ourselves more hope, more knowledge in the coming seasons and of the coming One.  

In Autumnal Anticipation, 

Your Fellow Sojourner 

Mini Post: Anxious Today? Give It The One-Two-Three Punch

              Are you anxious today?  Me too.  So, I went to the place where I knew I could get help. Philippians 4:4-9. When anxiety comes calling we do not have to strap in for the roller coaster ride that so often comes with this emotional interloper.  We can give it the one, two, three!

 ^{vs. 4}  Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  Who made this day?  The Lord Our Maker made this day. It is His, not ours, so we get up and rejoice!  It is His day to be worshiped in and our day to rejoice in.  He is the Lord our Banner who sits on the throne, and His Banner over us is Love.  So, we choose to remember His unfailing love for us in the hardest, scariest, out-of-control moments of this day; we let His perfect love cast out all fear.  I hold out my hands and I audibly thank the Lord for this day, for this life, for His character that I can fully trust in today.  Maybe I even hum or sing a line, “You are good, good.  You are good to me!”  Punch #1

 ^{vs. 5}  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.The Lord is at hand;  We will meet with other people today.  Maybe that thought alone causes you anxiety.  But the Lord is at hand.  He is literally with us, before, beside, and behind.  We cannot escape His hand.  We are in His grip.  Hallelujah!  We will have opportunity to speak and tell others what is reasonable today.  The ancients used reason, or logic, to persuade people to follow the path of truth.  We too can speak calmly, factually, and truthfully to others for the purpose of leading them away from their anxiety and into peacefulness.  So, as we speak to ourselves, we turn and speak gently to others.  We infuse our surroundings with  peaceful, gentle truth.  This gentle truthful answering reinforces our belief in the Lord, who is always at hand.  Punch #2

vs. 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.   So we see that we are told to stop giving into anxiety about everything, even what we are having for dinner or what we will wear today.  By practicing trust in these minor decisions, we are forming a peaceful and trusting mindset for the entire day.  When the anxious thoughts keep coming, we pray.  Prayer is active.  We stop the anxious thought process and begin praying.  Pray anything!  Sometimes I will quote the first Scripture that comes to my mind and then say, “Help me Lord!”  So, we begin by supplicating, or humbly and earnestly asking the Lord for help with whatever anxious thoughts are coming at us.  And then we take a step of belief by thanking God that He’s got this.  He wants us to let Him know what we need.  He is Our Father in Heaven, our perfect all knowing Father who is at hand.  Tell him what you need.  Tell Him you need peace and faith to trust Him.  Punch #3

And now the best part - the outcome of the One, Two, Three Punch  vs. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. All who are in Christ are at peace with God.  Are your sins nailed to the cross with Jesus?  Then He has become sin for you!  Therefore, there is no more condemnation, only freedom for you - all of our sin was laid on Christ.  And He has risen, defeating hell and death and sin!  This surpasses all of our understanding and so we need to remind ourselves of where we stand with God, in Christ!  Let this truth be a guard, a shield of faith over your heart, your emotions, and your thoughts today.  You are in Christ.  You have the mind of Christ.  Trust it.  He will renew you day by day.  Have you failed in trusting God?  So have I.  But I know my standing in Christ has not changed.  I know that He is enough.  And I know that because I am still breathing, the fight is not over.  The enemy has not won and Christ is ready to guard me today.   Outcome: Help will come!  Knock out!

Punch #1: Choose to thank and praise 

Punch #2: Speak gentle truth to others

Punch #3: Pray!  Ask the Lord for help and thank Him

Bonus:  vs. 8-9 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  Go find this stuff to think on, listen to, and meditate on.  Instead of letting your thoughts just come and go - go get some of your own!  Find the true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, and excellent in this life and pile it up around you and let it sink in.

One, Two, Three, Punch! ~Your Fellow Sojourner

Better With Time

        For Chris’ birthday this year I made lasagna, home made lasagna.  You know, the six hour version with twelve steps in the recipe.  When we sat down for his birthday dinner, and believe me I was ready to sit down, we enjoyed a rarity.  It was so good.  We enjoyed the benefits of slow and deliberate cooking.  No frozen lasagna here.  It was a true joy. 

   Then, a week later, at the end of a long day, your’s truly did not feel like making anything home made.  So, out came the box of spaghetti noodles and the jar of store bought sauce.  The convenience was nice, but the taste… I soldiered my way through that plate of pasta. Afterward I said, “no more!”  Like Scarlett O’Hara, I vowed never to serve my family pseudo pasta sauce again.  The rich taste we had experienced with the lasagna was not in the quick pasta dinner.  The missing ingredient was time.  

Our culture loves anything fast. So why do we veer to the fast and furious? Faster holds out the lie that we are gaining time, while slower means watching more of our time pass by.  The truth about time is much more complex however.  Time is all about trust.  Do we trust the season that we are in?  King Solomon summed it up for us in Ecclesiastes, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” There is a key phrase in that verse, “under heaven.”  Our days and hours, years and seasons, are gifts from Heaven granted to us by our Creator.  Our time is not a given, but a gift.  

Black Marble Clock by Paul Cezzane

There is always something to do and always a season to do it in.  Both the what to do and the when to do it are given to us by God.  God does not want us to wring anxious hands or to follow our feelings and urges without a purpose or a care.  In order to know how to live well with the time that we are given, we must come to know the Father of Lights, from whom all good gifts come.  

To know someone takes time and intentionality.  With time, you come to know a person’s likes and dislikes, character and giftings.  The same is true with the Lord.  He is our Good Shepherd, who loves to lead and care for the sheep of His pasture.  Therefore, we look to Him and follow His voice.  He wants us to know Him, and He wants us to trust Him.  

Christ was never in a hurry while here on earth, but He always did His Father’s will.  This meant that Jesus did not heal every cripple, nor did He cure every disease.  He did not converse with every lost soul, nor did He cast out every demon in Israel.  He only did the work His Father sent Him to do.  Christ could say from the cross with all truth, “It is finished.”   His work was finished, and what a work it was!  Hallelujah, what a work!  It is in the life and death of Jesus that we can see that there is never any loss in Christ, for all who call on the name of the Lord will be saved.  

I need to grow in waiting, listening, and following my Father’s voice.  But I do not readily embrace God’s specific daily will for me.  I am tempted by my flesh’s craving for a fast and easy substitute for what will truly satisfy, resting in the will of God.  Instead of resting, I often choose striving.  And when I am needlessly fighting to make something happen according to my own will, I am not resting.

I want growth and depth in my life, but will God’s promise to complete the good work begun in me hold true?  Can I trust Him, really trust Him with all that is in front of me today?  Elizabeth Elliot says that the process of growth and maturity in people is often slow, invisible, and non measurable while it is happening, like waiting for immature fruit trees to bear fruit.  

Olive Trees With Yellow Sky and Sun by Vincent Van Gogh

My grandfather wanted to grow fruit trees on his property. And so like anything else he wanted to do, he researched and planned methodically.  He knew it would take time, and that was the hardest part.  Every summer I would ask, “Can we eat the fruit yet?”   And for several years the response was, “Not yet, but soon.”  I learned to trust in my grandfather’s patient waiting.  Eventually, my grandfather’s venture paid off and he had peaches, nectarines, and jams and jellies!!  The patient waiting and work produced a joyful harvest that was multiplied to many.  

All living things grow, and this growth cannot be rushed or circumvented. God grows us in the trusting of His ways and His time, especially in seasons of trial and suffering.  We come to see that He knows the end from the beginning, and that His promises are not slow but always on time.  He produces the endurance we need in our lives, and through this endurance, we will see the character we longed to see.  The tree will bear fruit, and our hope will not disappoint us.  

  ~ Your Fellow Sojourner

So, How Do You Do It All?

        For some reason, and I still haven’t quite figured out why, people often ask me, “So, how do you do it all?”   I always laugh at this question because I really don’t know, but then again I do.  

A progression in my life brought me to where I am today.  I did not grow up learning all the details of domesticity.  In fact, I bulked at anything more than vacuuming or baking up a box of brownie mix.  I used to tell my grandmother that I was most definitely going to have a maid when I got older.  Domesticity taken care of, check.  

When I hit adulthood I knew I could not do life without an all encompassing vision for my life.  Who can wade through hundreds if not thousands of ideologies about how to live without a compass?   So, I latched on to my “true north,” a person, Jesus Christ.  My life’s vision and mission became solidified.  All of Christ for all of life.  

Then entered the love of my life and the other loves of my life.  I became a wife and mother.  Instead of just adjusting to these two new roles in my life, I discovered who I was and what I loved even more so; my life was enhanced.  The things that didn’t really matter so much faded into the background and I pursued what really mattered, what I really loved.  

Waiting By the Window by Carl Hosoe

What I have gained in return for laying my life down for others has been an amazing journey of blessing upon blessing.  Waiting for the better thing has become so sweet to me.  The art of waiting is like reading a story, waiting for the turning point when all comes to light, finally making sense of the mystery.  

I live an amazing, full life that came to me as a gift.  I keep unwrapping what comes my way and finding joy and awe and treasure inside.  I have turned the radio station of the world down to an almost inaudible whisper.  Instead, I have tuned in to where God shows forth His glory and His beauty.  It is a hard fight, but the gains are innumerable.  

So, I don’t do it all.  Instead, I fight to do less well.  Several years ago my husband and I adopted a motto, “less stuff, more people.”  Less time worrying about what will not last in exchange for what will last forever.  Less time doing and running to and fro to things that are not our passions.  More time stopping and reflecting, asking ourselves, what do we need to be doing right now, what do our children need right now, our loved ones?  Is this someone else’s passion or our own?  Letting go of more and slowing down to savor what we believe to be most important to us, and to God.  

So, what does that look like?  It means we often have a family consensus if the television screen gets pulled out from behind our living room furniture. We talk over plans and hear one another out before we put things on the calendar.  We drop what we are doing if a loved one presents a need.  We go slowly with our young ones and with those that are carrying a lot emotionally.  We give grace because we know all too well that we cannot live without it.  We think about who we want to be and what that looks like.  We press in to one another.  We listen to and counsel one another and pray that we can extend our circle of gracious living. 

Summer Fruit by Li Zhou

    We know our plans and priorities will change, even daily, and we roll with it.  I have begun to jot down what was most memorable at the end of each day in my planner.  So instead of focusing on what we didn’t do that day, I end the day with what did happen and I am filled with joy and wonder.  

It is a road less traveled.  It is slower.  The outside voices are very few, but the old and true is all around us.  The conversations are long and deep, the meals are big and boisterous, the mornings are intentional and sacred, the music and songs play all day long, the art is all around us, and the fight is constant.  The dragon is prowling around the castle walls, plotting and disguising himself, hoping to enter, to infiltrate, kill, steal, and destroy. We know we must be vigilant and fight but we are not alone.  We have Another who is leading and guiding, singing His song in the night.

Outside can be ever changing, always moving, full to the brim, but inside we are pressing forward to rest, to peace, to joy.  This is the key - the life inside guides the life outside.  Looking ahead and not down at your feet. Looking in the direction you are headed, not staring at where you stand.  Where you are now is not your final destination.

And so the answer is that we don’t do it all.  No one can.  In fact doing it all will kill you one way or another.  We say “no” to some things in order to say “yes" to others.  We let go to hold on to more, and we leave the rest to a sovereign God.  We choose to live in simple pursuit of something that is not of this world.  And that is how we truly can do it all, all that truly matters.  

Wheat Field with Cypresses by Vincent van Gogh

We know that though we try our best to choose correctly, God’s ways are not our own.  We are His, and when we are truly His, we look to Him for the what and where and why.  And in this looking we rest - we rest content and secure that He is the one who directs our steps and brings about any and all fruitfulness.  This is where the “sweet spot” of life is - not when everything is working out and we are in a groove, but when we rest, in the hands of the One who made us and leads us.

My motto when it comes to “doing stuff” ~ wisely plan, then wait to be led. Hold one’s plans with open hands; this is a way to worship with our time.  It is freedom to be led.  We all follow something, let it be the One who holds all of our days and hours in his loving hands.  

  ~ Your Fellow Sojourner

“You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

 Trust in the LORD forever,

for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock”

- Isaiah 26:3

A Different Kind of Woman

        Elizabeth Elliot said,“The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian makes me a different kind of woman.” And so, I am a different kind of woman.  What kind of woman do you ask?  That is somewhat hard to explain. There are some things that I am sure of and others that I am still working out. But one thing has been my heart beat for as long as I can remember, pursuing truth.  

I want to know the whole, ugly, complex, disgusting truth about life, all of it.  Where did life come from, where has it been, and where is it going?  I want truth to speak for itself and I want to know it to its fullest extent.  Why is this so important to me?  Why should I care?  

17th Century Painting of the Queen of Sheba in church in Lalibela, Ethiopia

Truth is the source of freedom.  Every soul longs to be free.  When people embrace lies, they are bound to those lies.  But the real truth, even the hard truth, sets bound people free because they see with new eyes.  The blinders come off and they see the end of where their lies are taking them.  Lies, like all sin, can be pleasurable for a time, but in the end, they lead to death.  But truth brings life.  

Unfortunately, there are “authorities” who tell women like me that “we are not qualified to know the truth,” “that we have been indoctrinated with too much to truly ever know what truth is.”  It’s a really good thing that I don’t care what the “authorities” says about me.  I am not moved.  Truth is truth and cannot ever be anything else.  There is truth and there are lies or there is nothing.  

Reading Woman in Violet Dress by Henri Matisse

I know I have been wrong about many things in my life and I do not know everything there is to know.  I also know that spending a lifetime in pursuit of what is real and good and beautiful is worth it. I may get older and I may slow down;  I may come up against many unforeseen walls, but I do not intend to stop searching for truth.  I know there is treasure underneath all of the sudo truths that the world has piled up and I want to get at it.  

       I am an unsatisfied woman.  I know there must be more. I want to hold it in my hand, to not take petty answers and explanations as final.  I want to push closed doors open and search through long dusty shelves and say, “ah-ha!”  I want to know real, raw truth that exists to be known, truth that is alive and never grows old, making the old young again and the young wise beyond their years.

Psyche Entering the Garden by John William Waterhouse

I may not find all of what I am looking for before I fly to worlds unknown, but I want to blaze a trail that others can see.  I want someone to be there when I drop the trowel and lie down for the last time.  And I want them to pick up my dirty, chipped tools with a glimmer in their eye and begin to dig again, to search for what my heart longed for and then tell a lie-weary world the beautiful, unadulterated truth. 

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”  - Philippians 4:8, NLT

A Sojourner's Walk Through Psalm 23

^{The LORD is my shepherd;  I have a provider, protector, and rescuer.  He is the Redeemer of my soul, my very life.}

^{I shall not want.  Even though I feel want many times a day, I know that my Good Shepherd will not leave my soul in a state of want; He will not abandon His children to “lesser loves.”}

 ^{He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He will stop me when I am veering off into danger and will cause me to rest where I can safely recuperate. In these green lush pastures of soul nourishing truth I taste and see that He is good.  No one else will lead me into places of restoration and safety like my Lord.}

^{He leads me beside still waters.  Water is life and without it I perish - neither can I drink from a fire hose and survive, I would be swept away.   He satisfies my thirst without overwhelming me; He knows exactly what I need.}

 ^{He restores my soul.  A work of restoration is slow, tedious and hard - yet, He patiently restores, remakes and heals over time through many different means, even in one sweet word. He is the great physician.}

^{He leads me in paths of righteousness,  I do not know where to go unless He leads me.  But so often my fearful flesh rebells against the path He has for me.  Oh how wonderful the thought that He has gone before me in His perfect righteous life and His death shattering resurrection!  There is no flaw in Him, but only what is good, right, and eternal. Because I am covered in His righteousness, I have no need to fear.}

^{for his name's sake.  Oh what a jealous lover He is!  He will not share me with another but will bring glory to His name through all of His particular workings in my life. His name will be glorious!} 

 ^{Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,  This is not a “maybe” or an “if” but a “when.”  I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death in my life - over and over again - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  But He has a plan and a purpose for this walk, for He is leading me to the places he wants me to go.  I do not have to fear for I will never be separated from Him, wether by life or by death.}

^{I will fear no evil,  Because I know my good Shepherd, the Lover of my soul, is walking before me, I do not need to fear.  Nothing will utterly destroy me - I choose to not fear evil for my Shepherd is good.}

^{for you are with me;  He leads, but even better than leading, He remains. He walks with me through every shadow of death. I remember that He has defeated every enemy, even death; they all flee before Him.}

^{your rod and your staff,  He has a rod and staff that protects and guides me.  He uses many things in my life to teach and protect me, but I forget His faithfulness and I fear what He may be doing.  In His good and loving discipline He uses everything to make me into the person He created me to be.}  

^{they comfort me. No other teacher, leader, or provider could ever teach or chide me with the comfort that he gives. No other name, no other love could go that deep.} 

"The Breakfast Table" by John Singer Sargent

 ^{You prepare a table before me  He serves me and knows what I need. He lovingly and thoughtfully prepares a table to eat with me.}

^{in the presence of my enemies;  While I am here on this earth, in this mortal body, my enemies will always be present. My fears, my past, the world’s seductive song, and Satan’s lies call out to me even as I sit down at the very table He has prepared for me.  All of my enemies want to starve my soul to death, but the Lord has prepared all the nourishment my soul needs, even in the face of my enemies.}

^{you anoint my head with oil;  He shows me His abundant love by anointing me and caring for me, in front of all that would destroy me.  I feel the richness of His joy and pleasure over me; I am accepted in Him, I am beloved.}

^{my cup overflows. He fills my meager broken cup of clay again and again until it overflows and runs down.  I cannot contain what He is pouring into my cup, it is other worldly.  Mercy, Love, Grace, Joy, Care, Truth. He gives me the cup, and He fills it to overflowing. I do not know where all that He has poured out will go; it is a beautiful mystery.} 

"Invitation to Take Two Cups of Coffee" by Giuliana

^{Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me  I am followed by all that is good for He is good!  I am surrounded by mercy for He mercifully saved me and keeps me.  It is my story. He surrounds me in His goodness and mercy in the midst of trial and difficulty. He turns my head to see all the good that has followed me to this very day.}

^{all the days of my life,  All of HIs goodness and all of His mercy for all of my life without end. No one can number the days of goodness and mercy that I shall know.  It is the music that follows me and the song that others hear.}

^{and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD  I have a home.  I am not destined to be a sojourner on this earth forever.  Every day, every path, every new page in my story is leading me closer and closer to when I will go to join those that have run their race before me.  He is preparing a place for me even now, my bridegroom waits until the appointed day when I will come home to be with Him.}

^{forever.  The good Shepherd watches and waits to be with me forever without end, age after age, from everlasting to everlasting, for He is the Lord.}  

 ^{Sojourning Until That Day,} 

  ^{Your Fellow Sojourner}