When I was a girl I loved to build forts in the woods behind our house. I took special pride in picking up fallen trees and dragging them to the fort site. Our forts never seemed to take on the shape of the typical child’s fort, but became a sort of sprawling woodsy shantytown. To me they were hide aways that I could construct on my own. They were places where I could go and pretend, shutting out the world.
I was a trusting child who generally liked just about everybody. But when I hit the middle school years, I encountered meanness. Girls would corner me from time to time to make fun of my clothes or my hair. Boys would laugh at me for just about anything. Summer camp was an exercise in how to survive a week in a self proclaimed state of isolation, away from the girls who made me feel even more awkward.
My once outgoing and creative self was becoming quieter and quieter. Then there came a day when I decided to all but silence my gregarious self. And so I built a bunker.
The boys and their "fortifications".
I retreated within myself, becoming a quiet, shy follower. I wanted to be the one who was liked, not the one who was shunned. I lived in retreat from who I truly was; I lived to be liked, to be thought well of, and to be noticed. And over time, I forgot who I truly was.
As a result of these decisions I was unhappy and angry, anxious and unsure. I did things and made choices that went against my conscience, all so that I would not bring negative attention to myself or face rejection. I would do anything to not be alone.
From my 5th grade year until my 12th grade year I retreated into my self made bunker. It was not until after my high school years that a caring friend came along to call me out. This friend placed no expectations on me but to know me for who I truly was. He patiently waited outside for me. He lured me to the door of my bunker and then onto the threshold and eventually out into the light of day. He loved me humbly without any agenda.
I had walled myself off from real love, lasting growth, and a true understanding of who I was created to be. My friend, who eventually became my husband, made the decision to wait outside of my cement fortress and not give up. I will be forever thankful for a friend like him.
We who have come out of our bunkers need to be on the look out for others who have retreated into their own hardened worlds. We need to lead our anemic friends and loved ones to the One their souls can trust.
The kids at Cape Henlopen checking out WWII bunkers.
We all encounter unpleasantness outside of our bunkers. And so we must learn to find solace somewhere else. There is another secret place to which we can run.
I go to the Rock that is higher than any height my soul could attain on its own. I hide away in the rock hard safety of who God is, the Faithful One, and there I pour out my soul.
To talk to God about the hard things, my fears and my anxieties in life, is safe. It is in this place that I am reassured enough to walk out into the daylight again, confident in the truth of who I am in Him. This confidence comes from a renewed mind that sees life differently.
“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:1-3 ESV)
I am hidden with Christ in God, therefore, I can live above and beyond my fears in this world. My eyes are not focused inward, nursing the pains I have felt; I have died to that old life. There is a new life that can be lived with purpose and peace in the midst of this painful world.
Long ago I exchanged Christ’s robes of righteousness for my own wretched filthy rags. This pure and perfect life that Christ lived, I can now call my own. It secures for me the ability to stand in the face of harsh unkindness. And when temptation comes for me to crawl back into that stale cement hole I constructed as a young person, I am reminded that that is not where my soul will thrive.
A secret garden we found in Chestertown.
Christ has shown me so much of Himself that I want nothing more of the deep dark shadows from my lonely past. He teaches me how to think and feel and live in spite of the cuts and abrasions I receive from others. It is to that secret place that I go and learn of Him who encompasses all my griefs and sorrows. All of the bunkers that I have, can, or ever will build have been broken on the cross of Jesus Christ.
Its good to be free.
~ Your Fellow Sojourner
“In the Secret of His Presence”
In the secret of His presence how my soul delights to hide!
Oh, how precious are the lessons which I learn at Jesus’ side!
Earthly cares can never vex me, neither trials lay me low;
For when Satan comes to tempt me, to the secret place I go,
To the secret place I go.
When my soul is faint and thirsty, ’neath the shadow of His wing
There is cool and pleasant shelter, and a fresh and crystal spring;
And my Savior rests beside me, as we hold communion sweet:
If I tried, I could not utter what He says when thus we meet,
What He says when thus we meet.
Only this I know: I tell Him all my doubts, my griefs and fears;
Oh, how patiently He listens! and my drooping soul He cheers:
Do you think He ne’er reproves me? What a false Friend He would be,
If He never, never told me of the sins which He must see,
Of the sins which He must see.
Would you like to know the sweetness of the secret of the Lord?
Go and hide beneath His shadow: this shall then be your reward;
And whene’er you leave the silence of that happy meeting place,
You must mind and bear the image of the Master in your face,
Of the Master in your face.
by Ellen Goreh
